How to Help Your Kids Through a Crisis

Experiencing a house fire as a family created a moment in life where we collectively have encountered a crisis.  Kim and I have been wanting to accurately, intentionally & loving help our kids process through this family experience but also not push them.

Here are a few things we've done to help our kids:

How Are You?
Daily since the fire we've asked two questions that are "How Are You?" & "What Are You Thinking?".  This allows us to just get a surface read on both the boys.  Now these questions have been asked while driving to football camp, during lunch, walking the dog and hanging out before bed.
We've tried to daily check in with the boys as well as share with them how we are doing? I want them to hear that mom and dad are processing as well and we need each other to support one other through this event.

Conversation, Conversation, Conversation.

We have not shied away from conversation, in fact I feel we've stepped up some of our conversations.  I want to create as much family chatting, laughter and consistent family time in the midst of all of this.  Some of these conversations are as normal as we've always been but some are intentional to just bring our family together.  Kim's done a great job of this especially during meals or a family game at the end of a long day.

Key Words

We took the boys out to breakfast last week and we went around the table summing the fire experience up in a key word for each of us.  Our words were;

Cody--Chaos, Cole--Sad, Kim--Chaotic, Danny--Uncertain

The rest of the breakfast was us sharing about our words, our feelings and how all of our words we've all experienced and it helps us all have a common experience.  It was encouraging for each of us to share our word and hearing everyone else share how have felt that emotion as well.  I think this was a huge help for both of our boys as we affirmed their feelings as well as allowing them into what we've been feeling.

Tears Are Ok

We have not shamed or made our boys feel bad for tears they emote.  We've allowed them to see us cry and be emotional as well.  We've never said "grow up, suck it up or man up" in the midst of this experience. Tears help us process.  Tears help us feel alive.  Tears also bond and right now family bonding is crucial.

Prayer

As a family our praying together and individually has increased in the midst of this life experience. I've tried to be very conscious of modeling for my boys the words as well as my heart of really living out saying, 

"God you are God and we are not and we want to trust you in the midst of anything we go through."

If we do not depend on the power of God with any and every situation then we are going to be trying to do it on our own and that is not the model I want for my sons.

Happy Fathers Day!

I value Fatherhood and I am grateful I can call myself a dad. I'm determined with my life to model what healthy fatherhood is for two sons so they can continue a healthy family legacy of fatherhood and anyone else I can influence.

I am tired of a media culture mocking & slamming the role of a father but am grateful for when media outlets get it right!

Happy Fathers Day & Enjoy this video!


 

Ways To Love Your Kids Through a Major Transition

The Dad in me is hypersensitive to my kids emotional, physical & faith development.  I work hard at being intentional without being a helicopter parent.  I want to have the best dang relationship with my sons as possible while releasing them into adult hood.  A major goal for me through this transition is to reaffirm my relationship with each of my sons & point them to the movement of Jesus in our families lives.

However the truth is both of them are 10 & 11 years old and have emotions, feelings and experiences that are new to them and they do not know how to process them or even how to label them.

So here are the four things I'm trying to daily with my boys to help them through this transition.  None of these are new to our family as they have become habitual for us over the past 5-6 years but during this transition we are reminded as to how important they are for our family.

• Daily my wife and I are talking with our boys.  We are asking them about their day, their feelings, what they are praying about and random thoughts as well.  We are not goading or coaching the conversation but just taking it as is.  We are giving them space to speak and importantly listening.  Our language is also asking them what we can celebrate about our day.

• Weekly we are working on spending quality one on one time with the boys.  We are trying to do something that is fun for them but also doing something that allows us to explore the area.  It could be a dinner out, a drive, a walk, a special meal or an errand that THEY really want to go do.  The key is inviting their opinion into the decision.

• Monthly we are trying to celebrate together with a family day.  Now we've only been here one month but the family day we had was great and the next one we have planned will be fun.  Our monthly fun days are nothing new to our family but we are in a new area so that allows us to explore some new adventures together. 

• Prayer.  No matter what we are doing or where we are going we are praying.  Praying for wisdom, honesty, healthy family decisions, discernment, relational connections, confirmation, knowing truth from lies, being obedient to the voice of the Holy Spirit…you name it we are praying for it.  Whatever we do we are wanting to be dependent on the power of God.

Marriage, Vows & Life

I want to let you know about my marriage. No this isn't a vent on my wife. But it is an honest revelation many of you don't know about.

This summer Kim and I have been married 13 years & we have been around each other for almost 17 years.  For almost 1/2 my life my wife has been a part of it in some way or another. For years I have watched Kim endure something that isn't fair for her.

She suffers from Migraines. Not just your 'really bad headache' but a debilitating type migraine. Where her life shuts down when she gets a migraine. She vomits, she convulses, she feels pain from sound & light. She can't move, she is exhausted and she misses out on everything for days at a time.

I knew about these before we were married. That is a good thing, because if i didn't know about these migraines I don't know how I could care about the marriage. I know that is a loaded statement. I know that is a statement where you may have just judged me. When she gets one of these migraines I become everything. Mom, dad, cook, cleaner, homework guru, taxi cab, etc, etc. You may think, "yeah so?". When she is down for 3-4 days at a time AND I have to complete my job AND take care of her...it becomes very taxing. Try having that happen 1, 2 or even 3 times a month. Take 13 days of your month and be a single parent with a sick spouse in bed and tell me what it does to your stress and sanity level.

I grew up with a single parent, my mom modeled well what it takes to try to effectively live life while managing everything alone.  I believe part of my story growing up that way was preparing me to be the husband I am.

I am glad i knew about Kim's migraines before we were married because it helped make "I DO" a real statement for me. When i was thinking about my vows before our wedding day the part of "in sickness and in health" was a real vow that had to be more than just words for me to say. When kim gets a migraine for me its like saying "I DO" all over again.

Since having our boys it has become a team effort. It has been me helping the boys understand what 'taking care of mom' really means. I pray that my boys see their dad taking care of their mother in a way that challenges them to care for their spouse with compassion and selflessness when they get married.

Often people ask me if I wish Kim didn't get migraines. For Kim's sake of not being in pain & dealing with what she deals with I say Yes. I desperately wish she didn't have to miss out on life the way shes does. However, when she gets a migraine i get to say "I DO" all over again. I am forced to pause my agenda and do a circus juggling act on life. I get to care for my wife so she knows that she is loved and cherished and isn't alone.

I love my wife dearly. Nothing will change that. Nothing could make me stop caring for her as often as I need to as it relates to her migraines or any other sickness. I do long for the day when she doesn’t have to endure these anymore and hope that somehow, someway a medication can relieve her pain. But until then I am just going to keep saying, “I DO” and modeling for my boys what it means to be a selfless spouse.
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Camping

Last week was Spring Break for my two boys.  I was able to take two days off and spend some quality time with them.  Wednesday night we went camping & at 10pm when they had already been up way too late I snapped these pictures of them in the tent.  

We had a fun time just getting away & bonding.  We read books, talked, slept in & went for a decent little hike.  Before we left I also took this picture.  Cody had noticed it the night before when we were sitting by the fire and the shape of the heart in this picture was super rad.  I love seeing creativity in nature & being able to experience it with my family!

Creativity

I Love Creativity.  
I love it happening in families, restaurants, customer service, movies, music, camping....anywhere you can be creative that serves as a blessing & positive experience to others I say go for it.


Much of youth ministry is creative...asking the "what could we differently" and then executing it well.  I believe Creativity doesn't always have to be loud & flashily to be engaging.  Creativity helps share with others that there is something worth their attention & it usually helps bring a story to life.


What better way to see creativity in action than with kids. My sons made this on their first day of Spring Break.

Dad's....make it a memory

Saturday I took my boys snowboarding for the first time while we took some students.

It was a little nerve racking keeping track of my own 2 while also the students we took, but in the end everyone came home without any breaks...only bruises.

However the dad in me had a blast!  I grew up in Colorado & grew up in the snow & to be able finally get my own two on the slopes was great!!  They both fell but kept getting back up to really work hard at snowboarding.  It was a great memory maker for all of us and really felt like a special day.

Here is some video from the GoPro Camera we had along for the ride!

My Boys are Growing Up!

Parenting brings a BUNCH of unknowns!


For the whole school year our boys have wanted a chance to walk home.  Now we only live about 3 miles from their school and it is a direct route without crossing a major traffic intersection.  However, this has been a hard request to accommodate for me.

-If you're like me you've checked websites like Megan's Law.  As a parent this is a reality of a fear we have and a concern we think about.
-The question of "do my kids know what to do if...".  Have I done enough coaching so their street smarts are enough to handle certain situations.
-What if they run into bullies?
-What if something freak happens and they can't get ahold of me?

These types of questions can be a mile long and create a lot of worry in how we as parents make decisions.  Here are some of my thoughts on how we've handled this scenario.

We've turned this idea and request of our kids as right of passage.  We talked up the big deal of us trusting them to do this as well as have specific conversations to try to help them think & be observant of their surroundings.

Yes this really is a bit scary, but I refuse to allow fear to guide my parenting & training of my kids.  The fear of the "what if..." will always be evident, but unless I wrap my kids in bubble wrap, lock them in a compound and brainwash them my kids will constantly be forced to face reality and they are old enough that we have to have more specific life conversations.

It has also been an opportunity to take captive the excitement our kids have over this idea.  It has been rad to see them get excited about the opportunity & trust we've given them.  It also has been fun to watch them have a bragging right with their friends of what they get to do.

My boys haven't done everything we've asked perfectly and we've used the mistakes as a coaching opportunity.  Coaching, training, correcting will be a constant as a parent.  I want to take advantage of every opportunity I have to help my kids grow into competent adults

Just some of my learnings of letting my kids grow up.

Dad, Thanks....

For 3 years now myself, a friend & our kids roll out to the desert the Friday after Thanksgiving to go bond.  It's been a tradition that my sons look forward to A LOT.  They ask & double check about all the friends they get to play with, they ask if we get to make large explosions and they truly look forward to this experience because it is one they love.  It is a tradition that has rich reward for them and for me.


This desert experience has created some rich joys for me as a dad as well.  It has given me some great moments with a friend that truly feel priceless to me.  It also forces me to have some humble moments and realize that I may not be the best dad, but dang it I try hard to give my sons a childhood that'll help them step into manhood well.


I love seeing my kids smile at the joy of exploring life with friends.

I love teaching my sons the art of using a gun or bow & arrow appropriately.  By nature it is allowing me to teach them a skill that is significant in helping them GROW UP.

I love seeing my kids laugh with friends over a simple creation that causes a lot of fun

I love having friends who are a joy to share life with.

I love trying to give my kids an experience I never had.

Being a Youth Pastor's Kid

This past Sunday night we did a silly mixer with some of our adult leaders called 2 Truths and 1 Lie.  Basically you sit 3 people in front of a group, have them share 3 statements about themselves and then students try to guess what the lie is.  It can be fun and quirky & it always seems to be a challenge we've done well with the adults and or students we've put up front.
The funny, or not so funny, thing this past weekend was I had a NO-SHOW volunteer (shocker right?) that was supposed to be one of the contestants.  Since he didn't' come I filled in.  One of my truth statements was "I've been arrested".  Now we all have pasts and grace is beautiful,  but sharing that truth & then the story later to the crowd of high school students beginning for the backstory was my kids were in the room.


That's right, the night my 8 & 7 year old visited a ministry night was the night their dad revealed to them I've been arrested.  This was something I knew I'd tell them at some point in time in their life but I didn't want them to find out THAT WAY.


So here is my learnings:
1- Know your audience! I had a good reminder of "do the quick room scan before you say something like that" moment.


2- I sat my kids down at breakfast on Monday & told them the truth.  The whole story of me getting arrested.  I let them ask questions & I answered them 100%.  I asked them how it made them feel & I reminded them that nobody is perfect & everybody needs Jesus.  I honestly felt it was a great Dad & Sons moment even though I don't know totally how they processed it.


3- I had to wrestle with my own doubts & voices saying things like "now your kids think you're a screw-up" & "what a moron...letting your kids find out about your stupidity as a teenager".  I had to stop those voices and listen for God's voice.  I'm not trying to over spiritualize this but I was reminded of the grace of Jesus in my own life and wanted to let it be a model for my sons.


4- I had to answer a phone call from a parent who "was surprised to find the youth pastor had a record (it expunged at age 18)".  I just told the parent they'd be really surprised if they knew how I used to live & what I did get away with :)....and yes those will be stories to my kids at a later date

Reading for Wisdom as a Parent

I've been reading this book and it has been a huge amount of wisdom, creative juices as well as humbling facts about boys and my role in raising them.  So fare I've had two big take aways.


1- Each stage of life has specific needs boys must have met.  If they aren't met then boys can be forced to be delayed in their development.  However, delayed in their development doesn't mean complete failure or loss of practical identity of who they become.  I have had to reflect on how I am meeting my son's needs as well as how I've missed giving them some needed care and what I can do to help "catch-up"


2- Boys are fun.  Boys need fun to help them develop.  Boys need adventure & boys need a sense of wild abandonment or their brains do not develop properly.  If they are constrained, sheltered or confined in ways that restrict who they are hardwired as God has seen fit they can actually lose part of who they are that can honor God.  So praise Jesus for wild crazy fun with a huge sense of curiosity that doesn't have to lead to answers but exploration!

 You can order it by clicking here---

End of the School Year

This past year I've had a lot of highlights as a dad of a 2nd & 1st grader.  But one of the biggest highlights was definitely Walking to School.  It was a 15-20 minute walk depending on how long Cole decided to take but each day that we walked we had an unprecedented time to talk, day dream, tell crazy stories, pray together as well as create some funny games.


I loved being able to enjoy the outdoors on an early morning, walk with my kids but also have the time to just enjoy the time together.  I noticed on the days we drove to school things felt a little more rushed to get out of the house but when we walked it was very clear that the time while we walked was truly a protected time frame for us guys.


I look forward to some family walks this summer & next school year's walking routine!

Yosemite & Boys

I love the opportunities the outdoors give to my boys.  It fills their lungs with a deep sense of adventure & wonder.  Curiosity surrounds each bend in a path and hides behind every tree stump....Boys feed off that.


I love to watch my boys imagination take off with a tree, a rope & all of a sudden they own their own outdoor climbing service.  They can dream about racing down rapids in their inner tubes while walking over a bridge.  They can use their tent as a safety shelter while replaying MAN vs WILD episodes.  The sense of wonder fills a boys mind to the point where imagination and reality often blur.  Wonder feeds our souls.  For my two kids to stare at a waterfall that never stops flowing with the roar of the water impacting boulders that are hidden but 8 months earlier were climbed upon with pictures to prove it....that draws something out of them.


I also love the curiosity of exploration.  If it wasn't for explorers we'd all be lost.  We explore out of a hunger for knowledge and to discover the unknown.  My boys explore the outdoors with a ravenous curiosity of timidity in the same step.  They dig, they look, they examine, they get surprised by deer, coyotes & bears.  They explore places that allow them to gasp at the vastness of something that never ends.  To be outdoors and hike for 7 hours to only realize you haven't even touched 1% of the area you are in draws out the fact that "there is more to be found".


I love the mistakes that are made & lessons learned in the outdoors.  To walk through a stream pretending to explore a creek bed to come back to camp & have wet shoes, socks & pants to then experience a temperature drop after the sun dips behind the last peak of a mountain tells young boys...ooops!  To be cold & know you can't get warm as quickly as you thought allows them to learn.  To close a pocket knife while not paying attention to where your index finger is at and that little quick cut of skin serves as a good lesson learned.  To try for 30 minutes with a flint strip to start a fire cause your dad makes you learn that way helps you appreciate the match you just used to light the lantern.  To hike up a hill and drink all your water too fast and deal with a side ache helps 7 year olds slow down a little.
Outdoors truly are great places to help little boys fail safe.  Because of course the mama & papa bear watch them close enough so they don't fail to the point of tragedy.

                                                      

         

Reading

My wife and I sat with our kids principle a week ago to discuss some specifics issues that have & are impacting our family.  That discussion was awesome in large part because of the integrity and heart of our principle.  She is a well educated and amazing woman who cares deeply about the education system & how she wants to try and fix it at least in her school.


During that conversation she shared a stat that blew me away, I never knew this.
In public school from K-3 kids learn to read.  From grade 4-on you read to learn.  So if a student isn't a reader (or helped to become a reader) by age 8 the stats show they'll be a high school dropout or struggle at school for the rest of their life.


After the meeting this statement gave me a gut check as a dad to be sure that my kids are capable of reading.  I do need them to love reading as much as I do, but I wanna be sure I am helping them succeed.


But this also challenged me in regards to their reading the Bible.  I want to help my kids learn to read the Bible, so they can on their read the Bible to grow in love with the character of God.


So from this statement from our public school principle this dad has a lil different way of approaching the quiet times with my boys.  I am stoked to watch this progression in their lives on many different levels!!

Cole Learned a New Talent from His Dad!

Colton having fun

Be sure to watch the last half of the video with his sweet dance moves!!!

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Kids & Conversations

I have two boys that I love dearly. They keep me on my toes, make me want to be a great parent, keep me humble, force me on my knees to depend on God to lead them well and they help me enjoy life. But they are growing up quickly.

That means I need to start helping them grow up.

I keep telling the boys that I don't want to see them grow up, but everyone grows up and It's my job as dad to be sure they can grow up well to live for God. I love talking with my kids randomly in car rides, while playing football at a park or while sitting down at a table. I hope this is something that continues for a long time. A friend of mine has a habit with the 2 oldest of his 5 kids & it has a huge impact on his relationship with them--read about him here.

A learning I've had in the last 6-12 months of life is I have to have conversations with them at ages that seem too early. At ages 8 & 6.5 I still see my kids younger than 2nd & 1st grade, but they are surrounded by life situations that need explaining. Kid's are great observers, but terrible interpreters. I want to help them my kids view life through a worldview lens based on Christ's call in our lives.

I have begun to set out a plan of when & how I need to talk to both my boys about specific life topics. Here is my plan of talks for the next 6 months, but I am sure more will come about spontaneously:

• Why Dad doesn't have a "dad"
• Difference between girls & boys
• Internet & Standards
• Prayer
• Outdoor skills 101
• Deeper look at Exodus

Adventurous

I have two boys.

They are unique. Different. Growing. Curious. Learning about the world they call Life.

I tried to feed all of those desires and sometimes i actually succeed.

Saturday we grabbed water, backpack and went out on a local wilderness trail a friend told us about. It was such a great day watching my boys enjoy the outdoors & explore. It was fun watching the innocence of young kids get lost in a world of adventure that didn't have boundaries of school, work or a phone call to interrupt their imaginations.

We found this cool spot that has a tire swing at it so we had a solid 30 minutes of laughing & playing.

Ever meet a woman who pours herself so much into the lives of two kids so they enjoy life, develop into young men who care, smile often, know Jesus and experience being in a home where safety & love are everywhere???

Day with Dad

So i love my kids.

Even when they break my stuff or eat my last cookie.

I love spending time with my kids where i can be their dad but also just hang with them. A way i can do this is I go on field trips. Every field trip i have been on with both of my kids classes i have been the ONLY dad there. I like that bragging right.

I went with Cody to the Dana Point Tide pools. I never got to go to tide pools when i was in 1st grade. I went to an old museum to look at dust covered barnyard equipment.

While there i got assigned to Cody & 2 of his friends. Therefore being the only dad i vowed to go to every "off limits" spot i could so my kids could see the cool stuff. When i am with my kids i love watching how they interact with friends, teachers and just their overall mannerisms. Its fun to see some insight as to who my kids when they are not at home. How they interact, manners, excitement, what they find interesting. I enjoy it. I like being field trip dad.

**all the kids had to wear an orange shirt. Just in case a kid fell into the water we could see them to save them. I thought it looked like we were going hunting :)

My Kid

Tonight Cole told me that he never wanted to move out of the house, even after he graduates high school.

I have no clue where he learned that after high school you move out but regardless it caught me off guard. In catching me off guard I said something along the lines of we'll worry about that later cause right now Dad never wants you to stop living with me and mommy.

But that little statement got me thinking, more than i usually due during a pizza dinner with my kids. I love my kids. I love spending time with them and all the comical moments they bring into my life. But part of my role as a dad is get my kids ready to be on their own. To be a blessing in society. To be someone who fears God, loves Christ and lives their life impacting His kingdom. I think one of the scariest prayers a parent can pray is "God thanks for my kid. Whatever you want their life to look like just help me know so i can be a part of shaping it." I prayed a similar prayed before we left the hospital with each of our sons--it scared me then and still scares me when i pray that. Not a scare of fear, but a scare of "will i listen when God speaks?"

I hope that my kids see something in my life, the life of those closest to me who love Jesus that there is a deep connection between who Christ is and what a life lived for him is all about. I hope my kids get amazed by the truth of Jesus and live a life that honors, serves and glorifies Him.

12 years from now when Cole graduates high school I am sure he'll be ready to leave our home. I just hope i have prepared and helped him to get to that point!