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Who I amReside in St. Louis Missouri currently, Lived in California & Colorado.Husband.Father.Pastor.Football Enthusiast.Teacher.Learner.Dreamer.Reader.Friend. [thoughts & comments blogged here are my reflections living life trusting Jesus as God]

Sunday, March 09, 2014

FEAR, FRUSTRATION and FOCUS

March 3rd I became officially unemployed which means this is the first time since I was 14 years old that I do not have a job.  Yep, no joke. I've had a regular paycheck for the last 20 years of my life!

My scenario is better than most because I knew this change was coming and over the last 1.5 years leading up to this moment I have been able to process a lot, learn a lot and reflect often on the unknowns in life change life quickly for us.  Through processing with a good friend one day over coffee here are some bullet point learnings I've expereinced walking through a season of life where you just don't really know what is going to happen next.


FEAR
Fear of what will happen.  Fear of how do I provide for my wife and kids when I lose a paycheck. Fear of will I be able to find another job. Fear that this change could actually be the end of student ministry for me.  Fear that my insecurities and doubts will stifle me for the rest of my life.
Fear is a powerful emotion that can cripple, convict and even callous people's hearts.  The unknown in life has kept me from making decisions based on fear and I've often regretted those decisions.  But my fear was really short-lived.  There were several key moments where in my own soul and in my family Jesus was speaking a single word to all of us "TRUST".  Trust me, cause I've got this.  Trust me cause I'm a God of motion & movement, and we are on the move.

Psalm 23 as cliche as this Psalm can be for many, it was a real essence of God's presence.

FRUSTRATION
I can't lie, this emotion lingered for a while and to some degree is still there.  Frustration that life and ministry the way I thought it was going to go, didn't go that way.  Frustration that hopes, desires, dreams & longings were snuffed out.  Frustration that I felt alone.  I never felt alone in a fearful sense but I felt alone in that my passions & longings were not mirrored.  I was frustrated seeing my wife and kids frustrated at the reality of change.
Frustration is an emotion that comes when you don't have control.  Frustration shows up when the plan you thought you had really didn't map out.  Frustration can occur when the plan & goals you had become thwarted by someone else.  Frustration can show up when you see flaws in your own self that you wish weren't there.  Frustration can be a emotion that can physically & mentally cause you to feel stuck unless you release control to trusting that God is doing something bigger than what you see right in front of you.

Proverbs 16:9 has been a prayer that I wanted to own and not just speak.

FOCUS
Focus is a brilliant space to be in! Focus came after a phone call with a friend.  It wasn't a long conversation and no epiphanies were shared but only affirmation.  Affirmation in who I am in Christ and who I am as a leader.  For myself now, being focused has allowed me to step back & trust Jesus the way I enjoy trusting Him…with everything.  Focus allows me to really ask myself honest questions about what are my convictions and holding to them.  Focus allows me to enter into leadership conversations knowing who I am & where my life is going in our next season of life.  Focus allows me to move pass the little details that'll only distract me from keeping my focus on Christ.

John 9 is one of the most humbling accounts I read about Jesus love for humanity and John 9:4 is a key verse to me in regards to FOCUS.


1 comment:

Angela Rowe said...

God is good all the time!