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Who I amReside in St. Louis Missouri currently, Lived in California & Colorado.Husband.Father.Pastor.Football Enthusiast.Teacher.Learner.Dreamer.Reader.Friend. [thoughts & comments blogged here are my reflections living life trusting Jesus as God]

Monday, March 16, 2009

Happy Anniversary

This statement is usually saved for happy moments in life, but this is not one of them-

Today is the 3rd Anniversary of my 'brothers' death. By blood he was my cousin but we were raised together and were essentially brothers. A weird culmination of events filled the last 2 years of his life, much to extensive and even painful to share. I often look back on his life and have the typical 'wishful' thoughts of i should've called more, hung out more....but truth is we did hang out a lot and we did share life.

I was there the day Jay committed to the truth of Jesus. I was there when after a college worship service we talked about life and Jesus. I was there when the kid couldn't figure out how to balance his check book as an 'on my own 19 year old'. I was there when he met a new girl and when he lost his hockey contract. I was there when he graduated high school and when we made the trip from Colorado to Huntington Beach when he moved out here to California.

And now 3 years later, i am still here and he isn't. Seeing my boys grow up and not really knowing him hurts. Having his birthday, Christmas and other random days come about are hard to get through. I so wish i could call him up to go grab a bite to eat or just to come over for a afternoon to hang out.

I remember the day i actually called his old cell phone number, hoping to get his voice-mail just to hear his voice....and when another person answered cause his cell number had been resold i almost cried. We had a running joke "the number of hungry I am"...did you get it? Did you laugh? I just did, but i don't want to hear my snicker I want to hear his.

These are the days where the hope of heaven must be clung to. These are the days for me where 'it better be worth it' re-enter my thoughts. These are the days where my faith that Jesus is who He claimed to be are all i have to hold onto. These are the days where my faith is my own and nothing else. Do I miss my brother, more than i can even comprehensively express. Do i long to see him in heaven, absolutely!

[he didn't always look like a jerk, just when playing hockey]

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