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Who I amReside in St. Louis Missouri currently, Lived in California & Colorado.Husband.Father.Pastor.Football Enthusiast.Teacher.Learner.Dreamer.Reader.Friend. [thoughts & comments blogged here are my reflections living life trusting Jesus as God]

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Flaws or Transformation

Jealousy: feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages: 

Humiliation: causing someone to feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect

I really get tired of wrestling with both of these flaws in me!  I guess since being able to have some crazy incredible life experiences at sporadic moments in my life I tend to want more.  I get jealous of the serious looking MAN truck sitting next to me at a stop light.  I am jealous of the 30 year old who has great fashion sense on their own without asking their wife or the store clerk.  I am jealous of the writer who can make random thoughts become cohesive and invite readers onto a journey. I am jealous of the speaker who's at every conference/event and shares the same message from 3 years ago from the same stage....

I get humiliated by foolish decisions I make.  I am humiliated that thinking skinny jeans on my fat butt could ever be acceptable.  I am humiliated that I trusted people who've said, "We care about you & your family" guided us toward decisions that put us in debt.  I'm humiliated that I can't be more creative with my writing or desires to write.  I can be humiliated that I know the message that speaker gave 3 years ago and I'm judging them for it.

Each time one of these flaws rears its ugly voice I'm reminded of my own insecurities where these flaws come from.  It's also at that point I always have two options; Wallow in self pity or allow transformation to take place.  Transformation that says who Christ created me to be is better than the "who" I want to be.  Transformation that says mistakes & mishaps are great teaching tools in my character.  Transformation that opens my eyes to where my life could go if I do wallow in self-pity.

I'm not proud of these flaws & I wrestle with them significantly through my life.  I am reminded of the healing work of God's spirit in helping me embrace what my journey of life is and not the destination I want to get to.  Transformation is a process. Learning is a process.  I am in process.

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