“Hello, I am your Father.”

Funny statement to hear after 27 years of life, two kids of your own, your own life & no understanding of what having a father means…

My biological father and my mom separated when I was less than 6 months old. He was not a part of my life except the occasional letter, visit & phone call. We have talked and have shared a minimal part of each others lives.

That was up until the last 4 days. We got together and he shared with me who he is, what is life has been, what he has experienced and the type of person he is.

It was almost like looking in a mirror and seeing the type of person I could’ve become in 40 years if I was not willing to follow a haunting question that my soul was screaming out when I was 16.

WHO AM I?

That was the question that haunted me. I never could find a restful answer in anything I put my energy into. Even though I tried to force myself to burry this question numerous times with partying, drinking and trying to be someone I was not.

My father found some security in his life through drugs, alcohol, partying and some incredible rough life experiences.

As my father shared with me his addictions, loosing a fiancé to suicide, watching his brother die, leaving his children and going to jail I saw & heard so many similarities of what my own life could have been. The only difference was at 16 I allowed my soul to crave an answer so badly that I opened my life up to have the question answered. I pursued intimacy with God, he pursued himself.

I have never understood the wrestle of flesh vs. spirit until this conversation. People as a whole have areas in their lives that need to be addressed. Questions of meaning, destiny & intimacy seem to have a foundation in everything we go through.

Although there is so much more to the conversations that we had the bottom line that every night I came back to was “God thank you that you love me so much that my soul’s craving was ultimately met by you. After pursuing different faiths, desires and wonders ultimately my heart was healed by you.”

I am a father, and a damn good way at that. I love being able to look at my boys and embrace that I want to give them the experience that I never had. I am sure more will come of this past weekend that I may post about it, but for now…